25 Year Old Seeks “Mature” Woman, age 29. 29 year old replies, “Get bent.”

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Ashton Kutcher is 35. Mila Kunis is 29, about to turn 30. Does that make him a “mature” man? Of course not. But if you follow the logic contained in this post, it just might.

In my recent experiences dating, I have been, shall we say, “privileged” to meet some younger men. I recently got in touch with an old friend. Yeah let’s call him that. He is now 22 and I am 29. We had the opportunity to date two years ago when he was 20 and I was 27. But unfortunately good judgement and common sense on my part threw a wrench into our plans. Flash forward two years later: I am moving on by trying out this newfangled way to connect with others called online dating. A 25 year old writes to me: “I would love to meet a mature woman like you. I love that mature women don’t care what others think and can say whatever they want.” Oh sweetie. You ain’t seen nothin’ yet, I think as I type my reply: “We are the SAME generation, you fucktard”. Short and sweet. Just the way I like it. Really? 4 years age difference makes me a “mature” woman? We were both born in that turbulent decade known as the ’80s. I guess being born in the early ’80s, I must have an entirely different perspective on life than this “kid” who was born a mere 4 years later in the LATE ’80s (OMG). Were we not both in high school during the Sept 11th attacks? Were we both not there for Britney Mania in the early 2000s?! Ladies and gentlemen, it gets better. During this time, the old friend whom I described in my opening paragraph has now found his way back to me after a two year absence (Facebook you will be the death of me. Thanks for absolutely nothing). He is now 22 and claims he has changed and is now the kind of man a “mature” woman (his words, not mine) would want to know. He begs me to give him a chance: “I love how mature women say what they think.” (This sounds familiar. Where did I hear this before?) We start dating and I find that yes, he has changed drastically since we last hung out 2 years ago. Why not give him a chance? He helps his case by telling me, “I have been with women a lot older than you, you know.” Not helping. Just shut your pretty little face and let me handle this, okay? We hit our first obstacle after a few weeks of dating: we are in his car. Somehow he brings up the movie Shrek. I tell him, “I have never seen Shrek”. His diapers come unpinned as he exclaims, “Seriously?! You’ve never seen Shrek?! It’s the greatest kids’ movie ever!” I think to myself, “Holy shit. This “kid” was eleven when that movie came out!” I calmly reply, ” I was eighteen when Shrek came out. I was an adult.” This revelation is met with awkward silence which seems to last an enternity. Really J.Lo. I don’t know how you and Casper Smart do it. This dating jungle is very exhausting for this “mature” woman.

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