Are you really that OkStupid?! (How to stay forever single on online dating sites)

I have been navigating the treacherous waters of the online dating circuit on and off again for the last 3 years. Gentlemen, if you want to stay single indefinitely, DEFINITELY commit any or all of these online dating Do Not Do’s:

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1. A short man who can’t own being short. Dude, most women can deal with a guy who is shorter than them as long as he is a decent human being. What we can’t deal with is being called nasty names due to your Napoleon Complex. If your online dating profile reads, “I’m short, but I’ve found that most women on here are pretentious ***** that make a big issue of it.” Expect to fall into the elite online dating category of “Forever Single”. Many will enter but only a few truly astounding ***** will win.

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2. Being a full time ninja or Jedi Master. If you say anywhere in your online dating profile that you are a “full time ninja” or “Jedi Master”, that is almost as bad as sending me a private message that you are a virgin and am hoping that I can help you “get that over with” (sadly, this has happened to me). Being a ninja or Jedi Master will attract a lot of attention from the ladies but they will not be the type of ladies that will get you laid. Destination: Singleville. Population: You and your ninja costume.

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3. Demanding that the girl you meet MUST be as “in shape” as you are. I have read countless profiles from guys who say, “Eating well and staying in shape are important to me. I stay in shape and expect you to do the same. I don’t expect you to start letting yourself go after we start dating.” Let’s be real here. Every guy who says this has major love handles in his douchebag shirtless profile pic in front of his bathroom mirror. Your pursed lips and sideways Ed Hardy trucker hat will not detract my attention from that fact. If you want a girl to stay in shape for you, how about actually being attractive and in shape yourself? 4

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Trying to “impress” me with your “thrifty creativity.” What guys fail to understand on online dating sites is that the quality of the first date is not measured by how little you spend on it. And this is why they will always be single until they find their soulmate who also believes that the best dates are those that are 99 cents only. I have had so many guys ask me out for a date in the following fashion: “I know a place that has dollar tacos/movies/bowling. It’s right by my house. Drive down and meet me there.” So in other words, I have to spend more in gas to drive 20 minutes to half an hour to where you live so you can spend your extra laundromat money on me in hopes of impressing me with your “thrifty creativity”? Here’s another quarter. Call someone who cares or use it for an “upgrade” to Taco Supreme at Taco Bell for the next girl who must have “Stupid” and “Desperate” written on her forehead. As Justin Timberlake would say on one of his famous SNL sketches: “Bring it on down to Singleville”

Like my sister says, “There’s a reason they’re all on here” and if nothing else, browsing their profiles provides me a great deal of entertainment. All without ever having to leave my house and actually meet these Forever Single Homeboys in person. But imagine what a story it would be if I did!

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