Keeping an ex as a “friend” on facebook? Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That!

Oh yes, the big debate. Whether or not to keep your ex as a “friend” on facebook. One of my boyfriends said deleting your ex from facebook makes you seem “bitter.” I wouldn’t call it “bitter” as much as I would call it “practical.” Let’s get practical for a minute: Do you really care that your ex thinks you’re bitter for deleting him off facebook? In all likelihood, he’s not thinking about you at all. I know. That stings, but it’s true. He’s thinking about how he’s going to find his next lady friend. And you don’t want to have him as a friend on facebook so you can witness his journey. In a word:

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(Meme created by sydrocks)

Let’s face it: Guys have an unfair advantage over women. They are able to move on a lot faster. They can meet women a lot faster than women can meet men because men have all the control. They can approach women, ask them out, and be in control of the calling while women have to get all gussied up and wait to be approached. We women often keep waiting because as Liz Tucillo so eloquently put it in her book He’s Just Not That Into You:“There are many more good women out there than there are good guys to date.” It may seem sexist to some of you that a girl should have to wait til a guy approaches her first, but I can tell you from my experience that I have never had a guy be seriously interested in me that I’ve had to approach first. Seriously interested in sleeping with me? Yes. Seriously interested in dating me? Ain’t no homeboy got time for that. (Unless he approaches you first). The purpose of this blog entry and my blog in general is to share some of the dating mistakes I’ve made in my twenties and why I’ll never do them again now that I’m in my thirties. I would like to settle into my mama bear role and help all my twentysomething female blog follower “cubs” out. You’re welcome, my pretties. Now let’s get back to my original point (adult ADD is very real. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s made up like Kim Kardashian’s talent). If you are friends with your ex on facebook, you are eventually going to witness him posting a profile pic of the new girl he’s dating. And no, she will not be as pretty or prettier than you, but that’s not the point. The point is he’s moved on and he doesn’t give a shit about you anymore. Nothing hurts more than that very real and very devastating realization. And meanwhile because you have a little thing called “standards,” you can’t post a retaliatory pic of your new guy because he’s from the future. However, if you feel so inclined, it’s not a bad idea to get a bit drunk and ask a cute guy to take a picture with you at a bar that you can post until the right one comes along. This does take courage, though. Another reason why you should not keep an ex as a friend on facebook is if he made a conscious decision NOT to have your amazing self be a part of his life by deciding not to date you anymore, then why the hell should he get a sneak peek into your life via facebook? He didn’t earn the privilege of getting to know about your new job, new niece, new haircut, new froyo, I could go on but I think you catch my drift. Only real friends should know those awesome details. Not someone who broke your heart but is pretending everything’s still “cool” by keeping you at arm’s length as a friend on facebook so everyone can see what a standup guy he is by being able to “still be cool with his exes.” Meanwhile if you try to talk to him, he will ignore you. If y’all could indulge me as I take a quick trip to Sad Island, I would like to share my experience with my ex. He dumped me but kept me as a friend on facebook. One time I was logged on, I noticed that he was available to chat. I asked him how he was doing. As soon as I typed that question, boom! He magically logged off (Yay internet! A new way to get rejected by guys! It’s not just the phone anymore!) Coincidence? I think not. The only valid excuse would be if he was practicing his role as Stonewall Jackson for an upcoming college play. And we know that’s not true because that fool didn’t go to college. That hurt the ‘ol ego just a little bit. In a separate incident, I typed him a quick “hello” on his wall. He then again stonewalled me. Funny because he made a big deal about staying friends after we broke up. He said, “If you ever need anything or want to talk anytime, you can count on me.” I guess he meant only on Thaturdays which is a made up day, much like his empty promise. Shortly thereafter, he posted a pic of his new girl which made my heart feel like someone dropped an anvil covered in bird shit on it. I had no choice but to delete him right then and there. Why didn’t I just do it right away? Even though I feel great now, I just wanted to share my story so you ladies will think twice about keeping an ex as a friend on facebook. I know some of you may be thinking, “But what if I dumped him instead of the other way around?” It doesn’t matter. Is it really nice to put him through the same emotional mindfuck of thinking he still has your friendship but you’re really keeping this poor fella at arm’s length? Since my experience with this particular ex three years ago, I decided to immediately delete all my subsequent exes off facebook because practically speaking, why would you want to be an emotional masochist (credit: Alexandra Lewis, my brillant sister who coined the term) and prolong the pain when you both should just really move on? Remember that’s what you both wanted, wasn’t it?

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4 thoughts on “Keeping an ex as a “friend” on facebook? Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That!

  1. I say ladies, take your big girl pill and let somebody think you are bitter. Absolutely agree with this post. You don’t have to maintain a digital connection if you don’t want to, you don’t have to friend everyone or remain FB friends with everyone. Some people just don’t get an invitation to read about stuff we’ve got going on. It’s just common sense. The relationship is over, no one should feel guilted into maintaining it on Facebook to save face. And if the Ex is upset that he’s not in your inner online circle anymore then I don’t know what to say, I mean break up means there are certain things we don’t do together anymore. Seems like a no brainer. If you are one of those couples who remain truly friends after a break up then act accordingly. No judgment, but opening a fun social media site and seeing your Ex’s shenanigans and knowing he can see about your days and nights — at your invitation, well, that doesn’t seem like much fun to me. It’s okay to move on by cleaning out your friends list.

  2. I cannot agree on two points:

    1) “Let’s face it: Guys have an unfair advantage over women. They are able to move on a lot faster. They can meet women a lot faster than women can meet men because men have all the control. They can approach women, ask them out, and be in control of the calling while women have to get all gussied up and wait to be approached.”

    I cannot agree nor do I think that is true. Just because they act like they may have moved on doesn’t mean they have. Also, a man assuming he’s not gay wants to meet women so why don’t you go where the women are? I believe a woman can meet a man as quickly as a man can meet a woman. Lastly, a woman can do the same as a man. I wrote about it below:

    http://sexandthecincy.wordpress.com/2013/05/24/whose-move-is-it-anyways/

    2) “It may seem sexist to some of you that a girl should have to wait til a guy approaches her first, but I can tell you from my experience that I have never had a guy be seriously interested in me that I’ve had to approach first. Seriously interested in sleeping with me? Yes. Seriously interested in dating me? Ain’t no homeboy got time for that. (Unless he approaches you first).”

    I have been in a relationship with men I have approached first. It is sexist. Personally a man that can’t handle a woman approaching them has a problem (read the post from point 1).

    Nonetheless, I absolutely agree you need to rid yourself of your ex in every way possible including Facebook. You don’t need to be in his business because he is no longer your business! Breaking up means break all ties to him. Check out my steps to breaking up below;

    http://sexandthecincy.wordpress.com/2013/07/02/they-broke-up-with-you-now-lets-move-on/

    I hope you’re not offended by what I’m saying and you take some time to read my post. As a 20 something I look forward to having someone older read my post and give me feedback. Can’t wait to read more from you!

    • Hey girl! I enjoyed reading your blog entries. I don’t mind you disagreeing with me since you were respectful about it :). It looks like we’re on the same page when it comes to handling breakups. Your advice was right on the money. I think we disagree with women being able to approach men because we are both different ages, have different expectations based on our stages in life, and have different experiences. I am 30 now but when I was in my 20s, I approached guys quite often. I never had one be interested in me when I approached him first, but I’m happy to hear it worked out for you. Anyone who wound up being my boyfriend approached me first. That said, I know where you’re coming from at your age. When I was your age, I was all about having fun and seeing where each experience with a guy took me. I didn’t mind just hopping on that train and making the first move because back then it was fun to casually date with no expectations. If I approached a guy and we went on a few dates then he stopped calling, I thought, “No big deal.” But now that I’m 30, I see things differently. I don’t want to just casually date and have fun anymore. Now I am looking for guys who are seriously about me and want to get married. They are more likely to be serious if they approach me first. I don’t think either of our points of view are “wrong.” You and I just know what works for us based on our stages in life and our particular needs. I look forward to hearing more from you too! 🙂

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