Friends with benefits benefits no one

image

Friends with benefits is my companion piece to my last blog entry: Keeping an ex as a friend in facebook? Ain’t nobody got time for that! This is another dating mistake I made in my twenties that I’ll be sure to never make again. On the surface, friends with benefits seems like an ideal sequel or solution to a breakup: you still get to hang out with this great guy you still have feelings for and do all the same stuff that you did while you were dating but now he doesn’t owe you anything! Yay! Jackpot! When I was 26, I really missed my boyfriend who dumped me. We both suggested being friends but when I realized “being friends” meant never seeing, facebooking, or talking to each other ever again, I came up with what seemed like the perfect idea. I suggested we hang out as just friends over a drink. I said I didn’t want to be “friends with benefits” because I “wasn’t that kind of girl.” What a difference a couple of drinks makes! He agreed with my deal to just be platonic friends with no benefits. He invited me to a party that night. We had a couple of beers and we decide to go somewhere “quiet” where we could talk. That “quiet” place turned out to be the backseat of his car. We talk about what’s been going on in our lives since the big breakup two months prior. Suddenly he kisses me and all my judgment takes a trip to The Bahamas as we’re making out ferociously in the backseat. Without any discussion, we have unofficially crossed that dangerous threshold from “just friends” to “friends with benefits” I designated my tall can of Pabst as an unneccessary scapegoat when I really just had my own stupidity to blame. Contrary to popular belief, girls also do some of their thinking “down there” just like the fellas.
  After our “hookup,” my new FWB (Friend With Benefits) admitted that he thought it was fun to be able to makeout with me again. We carried on this arrangement for about four months. In a way, it was cool to just text each other anytime we wanted day or night and have our meetups, but as time went on, it started to become more insulting than gratifying. One time my ex texted me and told me he wanted to hang out. So I invited him to come bowling with my friends first before we would go off on our own to (wink, wink). He turned me down flat by telling me he didn’t feel like going bowling but wanted me to text him afterwards. The stunning realization hit me like a brick shithouse: My ex no longer wanted to hang out with my friends and I like he did when we were dating. He wanted us to just meet on the down low without each other’s friends knowing. On another occasion, he said he was going to the movies with his friends but “would call me after.” I no longer felt like I was a part of this guy’s life like I did when we were dating. He was keeping me in a separate box where our meetups were secret and hidden from everyone. Suddenly an arrangement that started out being kind of fun became very seamy. I felt like some kind of Lady of the Night. I tried one more time to blend my ex with my friends by inviting him to see my friend’s band with me. For the first time ever, my ex made me pay for my own drink as he ordered and paid for his. I realized he really didn’t owe me anything anymore since he wasn’t my boyfriend, but yet we were still making out and what have you as if we were dating. But all the other benefits like including me in outings with his friends, being emotionally available, and hell, just paying for my beer were over like Justin Bieber’s career. The worst was yet to come.
  My ex agreed to meet up with me at a music festival. This time, his friends were along for the ride. One girl was single and by herself. The other two were a couple. The girl flirted with him like no one was watching (most of all me, his ex. He just introduced me as “a friend”). I looked at his stylish new makeover which consisted of expensive skinny jeans, high top converse, and a form fitting flannel shirt. I wondered why he had to become better dressed and drop a few pounds AFTER our breakup. It was like he was on the prowl. I painfully realized that he was moving on at the very same time he insisted on meeting with me. The feeling was bittersweet. I wanted him more than ever after his sexy upgrade but it was too late. We all went to his house to watch Saturday Night Live after the music festival. His flirty friend tried to sit next to him on the couch. I had to force my way in there. The couple seated next to us started cuddling and holding hands. I knew that would never be us again. There was this distance between us that was palpable. After everyone went home, we went to bed. No longer did my ex try to hold me or cuddle me like he did when we were dating. In the morning as I was about to leave, he looked at me as if to say, “This is the last time. We can’t do this anymore.” No words had to be said. I knew what he was thinking. I wanted to tell him how I felt, but never got the courage. He was sending a message that was loud and clear. All the pain that I felt right after our breakup resurfaced. It turned out being friends with benefits just prolonged that pain. We never really had that fresh start that I was looking for. Nothing would ever be the same again. Take my advice and don’t do it. If you really care about someone and still want them in your life after a breakup, suggest being platonic friends. Stay in touch, talk, but whatever you do, DON’T be intimate. If he still wants you in his life, he’ll agree to being platonic friends. I am going to try being friends with no benefits with my latest ex. I don’t plan to fuck it up by being intimate with him. No matter how strong the sexual tension gets, we’re not acting on it. I’ll keep you posted on how it goes. I’m not guaranteeing it will work out, but I can guarantee it will work out a helluva a lot better than being intimate with him and confusing each other. This is the wisdom that comes with being in my thirties: I’ve learned that a genuine friendship ala Jerry and Elaine on Seinfeld is better than a little ass. And that is the best benefit a girl could ever have from a guy who used to be her boyfriend.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Friends with benefits benefits no one

  1. Couldn’t agree more…there’s a reason for a breakup and a reason for moving on. I did this at 18 with an ex from when I was 16, lol, visiting her after a few years…bad idea. Logistically improbably and most importantly, emotionally wrong because I’d already been there and done that. Same with her.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s