That Girl Who Never Has Time For You (Hashtag Multiple Emoji Smiley With Hearts)

Everyone knows that one girl. That girl who goes to all the cool parties, knows all the coolest people, knows the best places to hang out, and has a great look that all her friends want to emulate:

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Everyone she knows is texting her, messaging her, and commenting on all of her posts just waiting for their chance to hang out with her. There is one caveat: she doesn’t actually have time for you or anyone else.

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It’s true she’s always posting on social media about going out to all the amazing bars, clubs, shows, and parties. She’ll “check in” to all the exclusive velvet-rope hot spots where you and your friends wait outside for hours. She gets right in because she “knows someone.” She’s what is known as a “scene girl” or “Really cool hipster girl with connections” or “uber hipster,” if you must. (I wish you wouldn’t. It gives these girls way more credit than they actually deserve).    Every girl and guy she knows follows her around like a lost puppy, just grateful for the privilege of her expertise in what’s hot right now. She obviously knows better than you do. Her clothes are cuter. Her haircut is more expensive. She is a vegan chef. She plays an instrumet. She is a writer. She is an artist. She has a lip ring. Or maybe she doesn’t. There are varying breeds. Whatever she is, she’s cooler and better than everyone and she lets them know it:

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These girls are what I like to call “Scene Fakers,” or simply, “Fakes” If their friends text them to hang out, the “scene fake” ignores them. Meanwhile that very same night, she’s at a hip LA/SF/NYC bar bumping into the cool kids she knows who also showed up alone just to “bump into” the other socially acceptable scene kids they feel are worthy of them.
This faker will also post on social media: “I’m going to Such-and-Such Bar/Going for a bike ride/Cooking vegan food at my apartment. Who’s down?” All of her Twitter/Instagram/Facebook followers will answer. Hours will go by. Meanwhile she’ll post pics of said activity with the people she met up with. You know, the people who know a lot more about “the scene” than you. People who she feels made the cut.
This “fake” doesn’t actually have real friends. She doesn’t want them. But she does want everyone to know how popular she is because one is simply not popular unless they have the pictures to prove it. Meanwhile, her friends will comment under her social media posts, “How come you never returned my text? I wanted to go bike riding with you” or “Invite me next time you to go to Such-and-Such Bar.” Meanwhile she’s laughing out the sides of her extremely heavy, oversized black framed glasses. She lives life on her own terms, and you as her friend, are lucky enough to get a front row seat on social media to watch. Meanwhile she’ll flake on you and everyone else every chance she gets because there’s always somewhere anywhere else she’d rather and someone else she’d rather be doing it with. She’ll meet up with the person that suits her mood best given the activity and situation. The person who will best help her “be seen.”

I personally don’t know about you guys, but I’ve known at least one girl (or guy) like this since my early 20s. I still know girls pushing 30 who still act like this and trust me, it doesn’t get any more endearing with age. Only more pathetic. Now Miss Fake, the next time you hit up the overpriced vintage store/forever 21/American Apparel/Buffalo Exchange/Urban Outfitters to pick out an outfit to instagram for #ootd, be sure to pick up a personality while you’re at it.

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Just one of those bitches I was talking about (j/k it’s me!)

Sidebar: I can’t post this on facebook because I’ll offend just about every facebook friend I have. Especially the L.A. Based ones (emoji/smiley face).

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Why I Quit My Server/Bartender Job: A Brief Illustrated History

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Customer gets my attention in abrupt, startling way. It’s probably worth mentioning that my server/bartender job was at a wedding facility that purported to cater to classy and upscale wedding guests/customers, but had guests not unlike those at Free Taco Night on Taco Tuesday with a “Me first and the gimme gimme gimmes” with a side of “Phuck yo feelings” type of mentality.
Customer then has a variety of vocal tones and deliveries to choose from when making a request. Customer chooses “Patronizing/Passive Aggressive” from his settings menu.

Example:
“Can YOU get me a glass of water? Is that something YOU can do?”

Note: Customer says “YOU” as if I am a mentally impaired trained ape. Wrong again, customer. The mentally impaired trained ape is the person NOT standing and taking your order.

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Yes, the mother-son duo looked at me with the same look of superiority/contempt as the mother-son duo pictured here.

Example: Middle aged mom of a teenage boy selects the “I’m older than you and therefore know so much more about life” vocal tone/delivery from her personal settings menu: “The DJ really needs to eat. Make sure he eats, okay?” This mom, who is in actuality only about 10-11 years older than I am, emphasizes the word “okay” as if I am a six year old child who needs to be redirected into doing my job correctly because it sure looks like after 13 years as a server and being twice her son’s age, I can use some condescending “pointers.” What this woman didn’t know was I teach high school as my second job. I am very likely more educated than she. I eat kids her son’s age for breakfast. But definitely talk to me like I’m even younger and more incompetent than your son. I guess it’s to my detriment that I look very young for my age and was working with mostly teenagers at the time. Oh the sacrifices I make in order to earn extra money in the summer when schools are not in session.
Sidebar: I actually had the DJ’s dinner plate in my hand right as this mom made her “helpful” statement because believe it or not, I am quite capable of carrying out the duties of a job that I’ve been employed since the time her son was shitting his diapers. At least I can find some comfort in not being called a “Fucking idiot” like my 20 year old coworker for making the tragic mistake of pouring a wedding guest iced tea instead of water. Factoid: My fellow server quit immediately after that happened. I guess being called names and not getting tips isn’t everyone’s “cup of tea.” See what I did there?

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This customer really did put her hair behind her ears and pull a “bitch face.”

Example:
I am serving wedding cake to customers. I put a slice of chocolate cake in front of ratchet-ass college girl with a high pitched voice not unlike a drunk Minnie Mouse. She tells me (while selecting “Rude Biotch” from her personal delivery settings): “Excuse me. You just set a piece of chocolate cake in front of me.” Startled, I thought maybe that was the rare time I mistook a piece of delicious chocolate cake for a steaming turd. Nope. She just didn’t care for that flavor and felt being passive aggressive was the most effective way to inform me. Well done, Skankzilla.
I think she meant to tell me, “May I have a piece of Red Velvet cake from your next layer instead?” That would have indicated she was in at least some form, a civilized human being. Last time I make that mistake.
Fun fact: All of my customers expect 5 star service and never once leave a tip.

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“Phuck yo tip.”

Customers at open bar where alcohol is taken care of all night by host (just not my tip or self esteem): “We’ll have 19 Patron shots.”
Same guests take those shots without leaving a tip then ask, “Now we want 13 more.” Still no tip or even a “Please” or a “Thank you.” I say playfully, “Come on guys, don’t forget your girl” since I have to rely on guests’ generosity or lack thereof to make enough of a living to pay to eat this week. My minimum hourly wage alone just doesn’t quite cut it, unfortunately. Not even in 1957. Instead, I give away $2,500 worth of Top Shelf liquor from the “open bar” and get $3 in tips for the last hour of a grueling 6.5 shift with non- tipping, rude, and demanding bullies. Then some of the customers go behind my back and tell my boss:

“The bartender didn’t smile at us!”

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My boss:

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“It’s all YOUR fault!”

Me:

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As the prolific Snoop Dogg once said, “I don’t love you hoes, I’m out the door.”