Making my thirties dirty? Challenge Accepted!

I will be having a milestone birthday in four days. The big 3-0. A lot of women I know are worried about turning 30. You know, the whole fulfilling-society’s-expectations-of-what-should-be-accomplished-thing. The last I checked, it was being married (or at least engaged) and having children. If one or both of those accomplishments don’t happen by 30, a young woman is supposed to tear out her hair in some sort of midlife crisis and panic: What the @$#! have I been doing with my life?! I am ready to turn society’s unrealistic expectations upside down. When my sister and I were in high school, she told me, “Who says you should get married and have kids? Thirty is the prime of your life.” We had that conversation 13 years ago and I still remember it to this day. My little sis is absolutely right. A woman’s thirties is a time to celebrate. I am welcoming my thirties with open arms. It is trendy now to think of the thirties as “dirty”. While that’s a little silly, that idea does have its merits.  After all, 30 is such a more confident and sexy age than 20 in so many ways. Allow me to list a few:

1. When you’re 20 and other girls imply that you’re “loose” or “slutty”, you get defensive and feel hurt. When you’re 30, it’s a compliment. You smile and say “Thank you.”

2. You feel more confident at 30 than you did at 20. Older adults no longer intimidate you. You tell everyone exactly what’s on your mind. And you don’t take any shit from anyone.

3. Sex is better at 30 than it is in your 20s and you’re not too shy to talk about it.

4. When you’re 30, you can call guys out on their BS much more easily than you could in your 20s. Girlfriends too.

5. When you’re 30, you no longer care about a guy thinking you’re “desperate” if you break some of the dating rules such as calling him after he ignores you just “to see what’s up” or asking him to hang out. Because honestly, you’re both getting what you want, aren’t you? (insert winky face)

The thirties are a time in your life when YOLO takes on a whole new meaning. You’re braver, cooler, more confident, and sexier than you could ever imagine you could be in your 20s. You want to grab life by the junk in ways you never thought you could before. You are young like you were in your 20s, only this time you have more experience and wisdom to not do all the stupid stuff you did then. And let me tell you, younger guys LOVE this. I’ve always dated younger guys, but now it’s getting even more fun because women hit their stride sexually in their 30s while guys hit their sexual stride in their early 20s. Put them together and it’s like YOWZA. I couldn’t be more optimistic and excited about turning 30. It really is the prime of your life. Excuse me while I make myself a dirty martini to toast my “dirty thirties.”

25 Year Old Seeks “Mature” Woman, age 29. 29 year old replies, “Get bent.”

Ashton Kutcher is 35. Mila Kunis is 29, about to turn 30. Does that make him a “mature” man? Of course not. But if you follow the logic contained in this post, it just might.

In my recent experiences dating, I have been, shall we say, “privileged” to meet some younger men. I recently got in touch with an old friend. Yeah let’s call him that. He is now 22 and I am 29. We had the opportunity to date two years ago when he was 20 and I was 27. But unfortunately good judgement and common sense on my part threw a wrench into our plans. Flash forward two years later: I am moving on by trying out this newfangled way to connect with others called online dating. A 25 year old writes to me: “I would love to meet a mature woman like you. I love that mature women don’t care what others think and can say whatever they want.” Oh sweetie. You ain’t seen nothin’ yet, I think as I type my reply: “We are the SAME generation, you fucktard”. Short and sweet. Just the way I like it. Really? 4 years age difference makes me a “mature” woman? We were both born in that turbulent decade known as the ’80s. I guess being born in the early ’80s, I must have an entirely different perspective on life than this “kid” who was born a mere 4 years later in the LATE ’80s (OMG). Were we not both in high school during the Sept 11th attacks? Were we both not there for Britney Mania in the early 2000s?! Ladies and gentlemen, it gets better. During this time, the old friend whom I described in my opening paragraph has now found his way back to me after a two year absence (Facebook you will be the death of me. Thanks for absolutely nothing). He is now 22 and claims he has changed and is now the kind of man a “mature” woman (his words, not mine) would want to know. He begs me to give him a chance: “I love how mature women say what they think.” (This sounds familiar. Where did I hear this before?) We start dating and I find that yes, he has changed drastically since we last hung out 2 years ago. Why not give him a chance? He helps his case by telling me, “I have been with women a lot older than you, you know.” Not helping. Just shut your pretty little face and let me handle this, okay? We hit our first obstacle after a few weeks of dating: we are in his car. Somehow he brings up the movie Shrek. I tell him, “I have never seen Shrek”. His diapers come unpinned as he exclaims, “Seriously?! You’ve never seen Shrek?! It’s the greatest kids’ movie ever!” I think to myself, “Holy shit. This “kid” was eleven when that movie came out!” I calmly reply, ” I was eighteen when Shrek came out. I was an adult.” This revelation is met with awkward silence which seems to last an enternity. Really J.Lo. I don’t know how you and Casper Smart do it. This dating jungle is very exhausting for this “mature” woman.

Dating In The Recession

Dating in the recession has its own unique set of challenges. When neither you nor your boyfriend have your own place, you must be very creative in your attempt to find a secluded and safe makeout spot. Being a seasoned pro, I advise against city parks. Having been the victim of a floodlight being flashed on me during a particular frisky and half naked moment in my boyfriend’s car a few years back, I would not recommend this if you have any self respect and don’t want to feel like a 16 year old who has just been grounded when the stern cop voice warns, “Excuse me, city parks are closed.” It is likened to sneaking into a concert and being escorted out by a burly security guard. The thrill lasts 5 minutes until you’re embarrassed to death and realize it was borderline worth it at best. (No I have never actually sneaked into a concert, but can imagine the results would be similar). So what does a savvy adult do when they cannot afford a hotel and trying to get down without the parents hearing is not anything a sane adult would want to take a gamble on? (thanks underemployment! Winky face) One goes to Azusa Canyon when they live in my neck of the woods. Just make sure you stake out your spot early cause shit gets cray. On a Friday or Saturday night, every spot along the winding mountain road is taken by every couple screwed over by these rough economic times. If you are patient and don’t mind driving a half hour or so as you wind deeper into the canyon, Pleasuretown (as my bf calls it) can be yours. Because let’s be honest, some of us are just tired of being screwed in a bad way. Azusa Canyon is our light at the end of a dark tunnel of economic unrecovery. Just make your appointment early.

Azusa Canyon. I’ve never actually seen it in the daytime.