That Girl Who Never Has Time For You (Hashtag Multiple Emoji Smiley With Hearts)

Everyone knows that one girl. That girl who goes to all the cool parties, knows all the coolest people, knows the best places to hang out, and has a great look that all her friends want to emulate:

Everyone she knows is texting her, messaging her, and commenting on all of her posts just waiting for their chance to hang out with her. There is one caveat: she doesn’t actually have time for you or anyone else.

It’s true she’s always posting on social media about going out to all the amazing bars, clubs, shows, and parties. She’ll “check in” to all the exclusive velvet-rope hot spots where you and your friends wait outside for hours. She gets right in because she “knows someone.” She’s what is known as a “scene girl” or “Really cool hipster girl with connections” or “uber hipster,” if you must. (I wish you wouldn’t. It gives these girls way more credit than they actually deserve).    Every girl and guy she knows follows her around like a lost puppy, just grateful for the privilege of her expertise in what’s hot right now. She obviously knows better than you do. Her clothes are cuter. Her haircut is more expensive. She is a vegan chef. She plays an instrumet. She is a writer. She is an artist. She has a lip ring. Or maybe she doesn’t. There are varying breeds. Whatever she is, she’s cooler and better than everyone and she lets them know it:

These girls are what I like to call “Scene Fakers,” or simply, “Fakes” If their friends text them to hang out, the “scene fake” ignores them. Meanwhile that very same night, she’s at a hip LA/SF/NYC bar bumping into the cool kids she knows who also showed up alone just to “bump into” the other socially acceptable scene kids they feel are worthy of them.
This faker will also post on social media: “I’m going to Such-and-Such Bar/Going for a bike ride/Cooking vegan food at my apartment. Who’s down?” All of her Twitter/Instagram/Facebook followers will answer. Hours will go by. Meanwhile she’ll post pics of said activity with the people she met up with. You know, the people who know a lot more about “the scene” than you. People who she feels made the cut.
This “fake” doesn’t actually have real friends. She doesn’t want them. But she does want everyone to know how popular she is because one is simply not popular unless they have the pictures to prove it. Meanwhile, her friends will comment under her social media posts, “How come you never returned my text? I wanted to go bike riding with you” or “Invite me next time you to go to Such-and-Such Bar.” Meanwhile she’s laughing out the sides of her extremely heavy, oversized black framed glasses. She lives life on her own terms, and you as her friend, are lucky enough to get a front row seat on social media to watch. Meanwhile she’ll flake on you and everyone else every chance she gets because there’s always somewhere anywhere else she’d rather and someone else she’d rather be doing it with. She’ll meet up with the person that suits her mood best given the activity and situation. The person who will best help her “be seen.”

I personally don’t know about you guys, but I’ve known at least one girl (or guy) like this since my early 20s. I still know girls pushing 30 who still act like this and trust me, it doesn’t get any more endearing with age. Only more pathetic. Now Miss Fake, the next time you hit up the overpriced vintage store/forever 21/American Apparel/Buffalo Exchange/Urban Outfitters to pick out an outfit to instagram for #ootd, be sure to pick up a personality while you’re at it.

Just one of those bitches I was talking about (j/k it’s me!)

Sidebar: I can’t post this on facebook because I’ll offend just about every facebook friend I have. Especially the L.A. Based ones (emoji/smiley face).

How to tell if you’re in a dead end friendship

Friendship can be a fun addition to your life if you’re in the right kind of friendship. The “right kind” of friendship involves a give and take. You both have a lot in common, you both listen to each other speak, and you have the same interests. Seems easy to be able to tell, right?
Sometimes we are tricked into thinking we found a new friend when in actuality, we found ourselves a new career opportunity called Unpaid Therapist. How can you tell if your friend has designated you to be her unpaid therapist? If she calls you up to meet for drinks because she “has a bunch of stuff to tell you”, that is actually code for “I’m going to go on and on about my guy problems while you give me advice that I have no intention of taking.” You are tricked into meeting her for drinks because after she tells you “the bunch of stuff she needs to tell you” then you think you will have your chance to tell her what’s going on with you. The problem is, it hardly ever works that way. Your friend will spend the whole night telling you what a jerk the guy she’s seeing is because he (Fill in the blank: Didn’t call when he said he would, canceled their date, or makes her drive to his house for “dates”). Then you think to yourself, “Is my fellow 30 year old friend really asking my advice on something that any 15 year old would be able to answer?” You then give her advice as she immediately interrupts with, “Yeah. So do you think that’s normal for him to do that? He didn’t do that when we were first dating.” As if that isn’t bad enough that she totally steamrolled over all your advice by basically ignoring you and going on about her guy, you might find it helpful to jump in with, “I had a similar experience when the guy I was seeing canceled our date. I…” She will then cut you off- “Anyway, I just don’t get it.” It is at that point when you realize she doesn’t want to talk to you and have a give and take conversation. She needs someone willing to listen to the sound of her own voice. You might feel useful by being able to help your friend. If she takes your advice, great. But what will most likely happen will be she will call you in a week or two to meet up for drinks because she “has a bunch of stuff to tell you” (sound familiar?) and you will meet with her because you want to hear how it all turned out following your advice. Instead, she will tell you about how she decided to give her guy another chance. They had a date for Saturday night and he, (gasp!) canceled it!! What should she do??? It is at this point when you might be thinking, “Didn’t I tell you to stop seeing him, you dumb bitch?”
If you so much as put it in a kinder way such as, “Well I told you he’d probably do it again, so you should move on” she will reply with,
“But I really like him!” She will then tell you everything she likes about this very obvious horse’s ass. But the only horse’s ass is you because you are allowing this fake friend to completely waste your time. Don’t fool yourself into thinking she needs you. She just needs a sounding board. And one simply does not have time for that. If you have ever felt like this, it is time to move on:

I have had a lot of “friends” like this recently. I’ve met up with them to listen to their guy problems and have given them great advice because I’ve been there. Then they turn around and do what they want. I’m sure they would eventually listen to my guy problems, but I wouldn’t want to take advice from friends who at age 30 have the naivete of 15 year olds (and I thought I was inexperienced!). If you find yourself in this draining situation, run don’t walk to the friend store and do a trade-in for your clunker.

And if you feel you are competing for her attention over one of these, make like one of these and trade up:

Because Honey Child, you deserve better.

They only come out on OkCupid

So my friend and I go out to this bar last week. The male bartender is very friendly and knowledgeable about the craft beer. I tell him I am also a bartender and his eyes light up as if I said, “Yes, you can move in with me and I will fix you unlimited bacon while I play with your sausage and wash your dirty underwear and pay off all your student loans.” Trust me, I would NEVER say this, but a lot of girls would and that is why I’m perpetually single (more on that later). So I go home and the next morning I am alerted that I have a new message waiting for me in my okcupid inbox. Oh joy! I bet this is the one time it’s from someone normal who has a good job and is good looking! I mean, what do you think this is, real life?! To my surprise, it’s the bartender from last night. He doesn’t know it’s me. I write back to his brilliant opener “We live pretty close to each other” by replying, “Aren’t you the bartender from the (fill in the blank) bar? I was there last night!” Instead of being intrigued, he writes back, “My first time on a site and right away I get busted!” At first I thought it was some cute joke or adorable admission at getting caught, but he doesn’t reply to my follow up message for four days. When I log back on after day five, I found out he deleted his okcupid account. I think to myself, “This is totally normal behavior for a 31 year old.” But then again this is okcupid and there are different standards for normal versus the real world.

Mmmm. Bacon.

Mmmm. Loneliness.

BFF: A red flag for anyone over 21

Have you ever met an actual adult over the age of 21 who claimed to have a best friend? And upon hearing this news you didn’t find it just a tad creepy? In society it is perfectly acceptable to have a best friend from the ages of 2 til about 18. “BFF” is really just an elementary school, middle school, and high school thing. It is even still borderline acceptable a year or two after high school graduation as one is still growing up and finding their way in the world. A lot of 18-20 year olds still hold onto a lot of mementos from childhood whether it be a favorite stuffed animal or their “blankie.” Sometimes childhood best friends fall into this category. As one matures, goes to college, and makes new friends, childhood best friends often get forgotten in favor of new friends with whom to share new experiences. This is completely normal as childhood best friends grow apart. What is not normal is hanging onto best friends anytime after 21. I know some of you might disagree with me, but this is simply creepy. Unless you are a cartoon character, a Muppet (think Bert and Ernie. Or maybe not. We all know their “situation”), or a child, people will think you two share a “special” kind of closeness ala Oprah and Gayle.

Bart and Milhouse=A Okay.

Oprah and Gayle?=Not so much.

Think about it. I had a friend who was 33 years old and told me she had a best friend who was also a 33 year old female. I felt like I couldn’t compete. These feelings of jealousy are a rite of passage in a girl’s childhood, but who wants to share someone with another female “best friend” when they are in their twenties and thirties? I mean, ewww. It might as well be a boyfriend because this friend is NEVER going to ask you to hang out unless their “BFF” can’t make it, or worse (and very immature for anyone over the age of 8), will morph your friendship into some sort of three headed monster where her bestie is always present. No matter what. You are just an accessory. An afterthought. When I was 22, I met two girls in college who were 19. They were BFF. If one of them was driving, I always got the back seat. They had all these inside jokes where they would talk about something I didn’t know about and laugh uncontrollably to each other while I sat in the dark. The worst part was if they were in a fight and each of them would call me to ask me my advice about what the other one was doing and how they should handle it. I was a mediator. Then while they were still fighting, we would have these super awkward “separate days” where I got the privilege of hanging out with each girl separately. All they would do is tell me about their disagreement with the other one: “I can’t BELIEVE she would put this new guy she’s dating FIRST! She KNEW we were going to the mall! We’ve known each other 13 years since our My Little Pony themed birthday party when I was 6!” After she would finish complaining about her bestie, there would be awkward silence between us because we in actuality had NOTHING in common. The only thing we had in common was the dynamic of the three of us being friends. I finally told her, “You’re know you’re going to forgive her, so why are you wasting my time with this petty drama?!” Bitch. I actually didn’t use that word but that was a more accurate word to describe how I was actually feeling besides “used”, “taken advantage of”, and “ignored.” Seriously if I wanted to sit in the backseat during a night out, I would date. Then it would be guaranteed something fun would happen. Even at 22, I was too old for that B.S.. When I was 28, my 28 year old friend asked me to go out to dinner with her and her best friend. It turned out her best friend brought her boyfriend, so my friend sat closer to me and started laughing louder at all of my jokes in order to make her jealous. Needless to say, I was very weirded out. This is not normal for two adults. I don’t care what anyone says. I recently rewatched Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion. When I first saw it when I was 14, I thought, “How cool! Two grown women live together and are joined at the hip! I hope to have that kind of friendship someday.” Now at age 30, I think, “Two 28 year old women who both don’t have boyfriends and are living together in an apartment? Isn’t this the Hollywood live version of Bert and Ernie?” Can we all say, YUCK?! I don’t know about you, but the next time I meet a friend and she introduces me to her best friend “Crystal”, I’ll say, “Hey Crystal. I’m Red Flag,” and take off running as fast as I can in the nearest direction.

Come on. Can anyone see how far down Romy has her hands?

Making my thirties dirty? Challenge Accepted!

I will be having a milestone birthday in four days. The big 3-0. A lot of women I know are worried about turning 30. You know, the whole fulfilling-society’s-expectations-of-what-should-be-accomplished-thing. The last I checked, it was being married (or at least engaged) and having children. If one or both of those accomplishments don’t happen by 30, a young woman is supposed to tear out her hair in some sort of midlife crisis and panic: What the @$#! have I been doing with my life?! I am ready to turn society’s unrealistic expectations upside down. When my sister and I were in high school, she told me, “Who says you should get married and have kids? Thirty is the prime of your life.” We had that conversation 13 years ago and I still remember it to this day. My little sis is absolutely right. A woman’s thirties is a time to celebrate. I am welcoming my thirties with open arms. It is trendy now to think of the thirties as “dirty”. While that’s a little silly, that idea does have its merits.  After all, 30 is such a more confident and sexy age than 20 in so many ways. Allow me to list a few:

1. When you’re 20 and other girls imply that you’re “loose” or “slutty”, you get defensive and feel hurt. When you’re 30, it’s a compliment. You smile and say “Thank you.”

2. You feel more confident at 30 than you did at 20. Older adults no longer intimidate you. You tell everyone exactly what’s on your mind. And you don’t take any shit from anyone.

3. Sex is better at 30 than it is in your 20s and you’re not too shy to talk about it.

4. When you’re 30, you can call guys out on their BS much more easily than you could in your 20s. Girlfriends too.

5. When you’re 30, you no longer care about a guy thinking you’re “desperate” if you break some of the dating rules such as calling him after he ignores you just “to see what’s up” or asking him to hang out. Because honestly, you’re both getting what you want, aren’t you? (insert winky face)

The thirties are a time in your life when YOLO takes on a whole new meaning. You’re braver, cooler, more confident, and sexier than you could ever imagine you could be in your 20s. You want to grab life by the junk in ways you never thought you could before. You are young like you were in your 20s, only this time you have more experience and wisdom to not do all the stupid stuff you did then. And let me tell you, younger guys LOVE this. I’ve always dated younger guys, but now it’s getting even more fun because women hit their stride sexually in their 30s while guys hit their sexual stride in their early 20s. Put them together and it’s like YOWZA. I couldn’t be more optimistic and excited about turning 30. It really is the prime of your life. Excuse me while I make myself a dirty martini to toast my “dirty thirties.”