That Girl Who Never Has Time For You (Hashtag Multiple Emoji Smiley With Hearts)

Everyone knows that one girl. That girl who goes to all the cool parties, knows all the coolest people, knows the best places to hang out, and has a great look that all her friends want to emulate:

Everyone she knows is texting her, messaging her, and commenting on all of her posts just waiting for their chance to hang out with her. There is one caveat: she doesn’t actually have time for you or anyone else.

It’s true she’s always posting on social media about going out to all the amazing bars, clubs, shows, and parties. She’ll “check in” to all the exclusive velvet-rope hot spots where you and your friends wait outside for hours. She gets right in because she “knows someone.” She’s what is known as a “scene girl” or “Really cool hipster girl with connections” or “uber hipster,” if you must. (I wish you wouldn’t. It gives these girls way more credit than they actually deserve).    Every girl and guy she knows follows her around like a lost puppy, just grateful for the privilege of her expertise in what’s hot right now. She obviously knows better than you do. Her clothes are cuter. Her haircut is more expensive. She is a vegan chef. She plays an instrumet. She is a writer. She is an artist. She has a lip ring. Or maybe she doesn’t. There are varying breeds. Whatever she is, she’s cooler and better than everyone and she lets them know it:

These girls are what I like to call “Scene Fakers,” or simply, “Fakes” If their friends text them to hang out, the “scene fake” ignores them. Meanwhile that very same night, she’s at a hip LA/SF/NYC bar bumping into the cool kids she knows who also showed up alone just to “bump into” the other socially acceptable scene kids they feel are worthy of them.
This faker will also post on social media: “I’m going to Such-and-Such Bar/Going for a bike ride/Cooking vegan food at my apartment. Who’s down?” All of her Twitter/Instagram/Facebook followers will answer. Hours will go by. Meanwhile she’ll post pics of said activity with the people she met up with. You know, the people who know a lot more about “the scene” than you. People who she feels made the cut.
This “fake” doesn’t actually have real friends. She doesn’t want them. But she does want everyone to know how popular she is because one is simply not popular unless they have the pictures to prove it. Meanwhile, her friends will comment under her social media posts, “How come you never returned my text? I wanted to go bike riding with you” or “Invite me next time you to go to Such-and-Such Bar.” Meanwhile she’s laughing out the sides of her extremely heavy, oversized black framed glasses. She lives life on her own terms, and you as her friend, are lucky enough to get a front row seat on social media to watch. Meanwhile she’ll flake on you and everyone else every chance she gets because there’s always somewhere anywhere else she’d rather and someone else she’d rather be doing it with. She’ll meet up with the person that suits her mood best given the activity and situation. The person who will best help her “be seen.”

I personally don’t know about you guys, but I’ve known at least one girl (or guy) like this since my early 20s. I still know girls pushing 30 who still act like this and trust me, it doesn’t get any more endearing with age. Only more pathetic. Now Miss Fake, the next time you hit up the overpriced vintage store/forever 21/American Apparel/Buffalo Exchange/Urban Outfitters to pick out an outfit to instagram for #ootd, be sure to pick up a personality while you’re at it.

Just one of those bitches I was talking about (j/k it’s me!)

Sidebar: I can’t post this on facebook because I’ll offend just about every facebook friend I have. Especially the L.A. Based ones (emoji/smiley face).

BFF: A red flag for anyone over 21

Have you ever met an actual adult over the age of 21 who claimed to have a best friend? And upon hearing this news you didn’t find it just a tad creepy? In society it is perfectly acceptable to have a best friend from the ages of 2 til about 18. “BFF” is really just an elementary school, middle school, and high school thing. It is even still borderline acceptable a year or two after high school graduation as one is still growing up and finding their way in the world. A lot of 18-20 year olds still hold onto a lot of mementos from childhood whether it be a favorite stuffed animal or their “blankie.” Sometimes childhood best friends fall into this category. As one matures, goes to college, and makes new friends, childhood best friends often get forgotten in favor of new friends with whom to share new experiences. This is completely normal as childhood best friends grow apart. What is not normal is hanging onto best friends anytime after 21. I know some of you might disagree with me, but this is simply creepy. Unless you are a cartoon character, a Muppet (think Bert and Ernie. Or maybe not. We all know their “situation”), or a child, people will think you two share a “special” kind of closeness ala Oprah and Gayle.

Bart and Milhouse=A Okay.

Oprah and Gayle?=Not so much.

Think about it. I had a friend who was 33 years old and told me she had a best friend who was also a 33 year old female. I felt like I couldn’t compete. These feelings of jealousy are a rite of passage in a girl’s childhood, but who wants to share someone with another female “best friend” when they are in their twenties and thirties? I mean, ewww. It might as well be a boyfriend because this friend is NEVER going to ask you to hang out unless their “BFF” can’t make it, or worse (and very immature for anyone over the age of 8), will morph your friendship into some sort of three headed monster where her bestie is always present. No matter what. You are just an accessory. An afterthought. When I was 22, I met two girls in college who were 19. They were BFF. If one of them was driving, I always got the back seat. They had all these inside jokes where they would talk about something I didn’t know about and laugh uncontrollably to each other while I sat in the dark. The worst part was if they were in a fight and each of them would call me to ask me my advice about what the other one was doing and how they should handle it. I was a mediator. Then while they were still fighting, we would have these super awkward “separate days” where I got the privilege of hanging out with each girl separately. All they would do is tell me about their disagreement with the other one: “I can’t BELIEVE she would put this new guy she’s dating FIRST! She KNEW we were going to the mall! We’ve known each other 13 years since our My Little Pony themed birthday party when I was 6!” After she would finish complaining about her bestie, there would be awkward silence between us because we in actuality had NOTHING in common. The only thing we had in common was the dynamic of the three of us being friends. I finally told her, “You’re know you’re going to forgive her, so why are you wasting my time with this petty drama?!” Bitch. I actually didn’t use that word but that was a more accurate word to describe how I was actually feeling besides “used”, “taken advantage of”, and “ignored.” Seriously if I wanted to sit in the backseat during a night out, I would date. Then it would be guaranteed something fun would happen. Even at 22, I was too old for that B.S.. When I was 28, my 28 year old friend asked me to go out to dinner with her and her best friend. It turned out her best friend brought her boyfriend, so my friend sat closer to me and started laughing louder at all of my jokes in order to make her jealous. Needless to say, I was very weirded out. This is not normal for two adults. I don’t care what anyone says. I recently rewatched Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion. When I first saw it when I was 14, I thought, “How cool! Two grown women live together and are joined at the hip! I hope to have that kind of friendship someday.” Now at age 30, I think, “Two 28 year old women who both don’t have boyfriends and are living together in an apartment? Isn’t this the Hollywood live version of Bert and Ernie?” Can we all say, YUCK?! I don’t know about you, but the next time I meet a friend and she introduces me to her best friend “Crystal”, I’ll say, “Hey Crystal. I’m Red Flag,” and take off running as fast as I can in the nearest direction.

Come on. Can anyone see how far down Romy has her hands?

My friendship…you know you want it. But do I? (How friendship changes in your thirties)

“People don’t make new friends in their thirties. I mean, who has time for that? What am I going to do, go out to lunch with some new girl so I can hear all about her battle with gluten?”

The first season of Whitney, a show that centers around the lives of thirtysomethings living in Chicago, Whitney’s friend Roxanne makes a very valid point about how friendships change once women hit their thirties. I could relate so much to the characters and am really bummed that Whitney has been cancelled, but I will save those feelings for a future blog (or maybe I won’t. You’ll just have to wait it out and see where this SydRocks crazy train takes you, my loyal follower).  Later in the episode, three good friends named Roxanne, Whitney, and Lily are in a bar sharing some beers and having serious talks about “the change”. In this case it is not about menopause (get your mind out of the gutter), but about how work and maintaining already established friendships and relationships with guys takes precedence over forming new friendships with girls once a woman hits her “dirty thirties” (my term, not hers). As the three of them are discussing this change, a girl approaches Roxanne and in a perky, friendly tone says, “Hey Roxanne, It’s Kelly from-” Right then, Roxanne cuts her off by shooing her away and proclaiming, “I’m 33. I’m at capacity,” as she gestures to Lily and Whitney in order to illustrate her point. Kelly then walks away very confused. And that, my friend, is how friendship works in your thirties. I couldn’t agree more with Roxanne and that has inspired this particular blog entry. In one’s teens and twenties it is very important to make friends that will go to the mall with you, the movies, or just gossip with about guys. It is essential that you give them a hug when you greet them or just link arms as you’re walking through Forever 21:

You strive to have a connection like this. You are joined at the hip and can’t wait to call this new girl you just met and share everything with your “BFF.” As you hit your thirties, you realize that linking arms with another female friend will get people talking. It dawns on you that this kind of connection isn’t what you want or need with another female unless you happen to prefer the company of women (cue Jerry Seinfeld’s mantra “Not that there’s anything wrong with that”). But there is something wrong if you are both straight and are giving each other backrubs, caressing each other’s arms, linking arms, or holding hands anytime after the age of about 25 and at 30 fuggetaboutit!  It is, however, a normal part of social development in a girl’s teens and early 20s. To have that connection is everything at that stage. Brushing each other’s hair during ages 5-25? No problem. After 30? Creeeeeepy. After 30, you tend not to need another girl to gossip to about boys. You can either keep these thoughts to yourself, talk to family members about them, or be like me and write a blog about it. Suddenly pajama slumber parties with the girls gives way to staying home in your pajamas and drinking wine and watching T.V. which after a hard day of work is really all you have time for. Going out with your bestie is no longer as much of a priority. At this stage, it works just as well to have an acquaintance from work or high school to go grab a drink with. You don’t need to make new friends for this. Friends that you already have also work. In my particular scenario, I’ve made lots of girlfriends throughout my teens and twenties that I went out with up to three times a week, talked to about guys and any of our 99 problems to over the phone for hours on end, and shared clothes with. I don’t know about you, but that kind of friendship just doesn’t appeal to me anymore since I’ve turned 30 in March. These friendships rarely last and all the “work” put into to maintain them is just physically and emotionally exhausting. I rarely get back as much as I give. At this stage in my life, I am just as happy going out by myself to movies, the mall, or music festivals. I really don’t need “this” anymore:

If I find myself needing to hang out with other women, I am just as happy to text an acquaintance from high school or coworker to meet up with once in a while, like let’s say once every two to three months sounds amazing. If I have people who are willing to hang out the rare times that I need them, that is just fine with me. I don’t need a bosom buddy or bestie at this point. I tend to want to put more distance between myself and other females whereas in my twenties I loved hanging out with the same girl multiple times a week. Now that is what I would term “Hell.” When my distant friend or acquaintance has to cancel plans or I have to, I am secretly relieved. Obligations increase in your thirties as well and one does not simply have time for that. It is just as fun to stay home and watch T.V. There must be better shows on now or something. In my twenties, I thought I was a social failure if I stayed home instead of going out. Now I consider it some great reward. In my twenties I would feel as though the spotlight was on me if I went to a bar or club by myself to meet with friends or “regulars” to knock back a few brewskis with. Now at 30, it ain’t no thang. Guys do this all the time. And really ladies, we need to get some damn confidence. As Jason Derulo says, it’s perfectly fine to be “Ridin’ Solo.” Now where did I put that new girl’s number? I’m about to text her and tell her I can’t hang out tomorrow. I’m filled to capacity. She can take that anyway she wants.